If you live in Florida, you know all too well that June 1 is the start of the official hurricane season. You also know that we are unlikely to see any action before fall. I hate hurricane season. I don't hate it because I'm afraid of a killer storm, although that's always a worry of course. I hate it because with the season comes incredible amounts of insanity and stupidity. The instant a storm is named and might possibly be a threat to this area, the crazies come out to play. Nearly every night on the news you will hear about the standard hurricane preparations. Almost nobody actually takes these suggestions. Instead, let's go through what actually happens when people try to prepare for a hurricane.
Step 1: Buy every drop of gasoline you possibly can, even if you have absolutely no use for it. It will be common to see people bringing every conceivable gasoline storage container, legal or not, to local gas stations to wait in line and buy every drop. Why? Well you might need it so that when something sparks in the garage that you are storing it in, your house will burn down instead of being destroyed by an "act of God" since there is no real home owner's insurance to be had here anymore. If for some reason your home does not burn to the ground because you were born one clown short of a circus, then you can switch roles, and be an opportunistic jerk, and sell that gas for triple or quadruple what you paid for it. That is, you can until someone catches you, in which case your status returns to stupid.
Step 2: BUY ALL THE SPAM! Why? I don't know...who really eats that crap? Doesn't matter....SPAM and anything that resembles it will be disappearing from the shelves like you wouldn't believe. The vienna sausages, deviled ham, and other shelf stable canned food-like items will also disappear. For some odd reason, mayonnaise and mustard will also fly off the shelves. Don't ask me why. Go ask the idiot that has no real food, and no water, and is living on condiments.
Step 3: Wood....must buy plywood! After you've bought every USELESS thing the grocery store has to offer, go to the home improvement store. Buy as much plywood as you possibly can. Even though it's a pain in the neck to put up, and you only have a few windows, buy it all. You will need those sheets of plywood leaning up against the wall in the garage. These will serve as fuel for the fire you started as a result of step one.
Step 4: Throw it in the pool! If you have ANYTHING outside of your home, you should throw it in the pool immediately. I don't understand this one either. I'm the idiot that just drags my crap INSIDE the house, or in to the garage that, due to my neglect of steps one and three, will sadly not catch on fire in that manner. However, it is customary to throw EVERYTHING into the pool. My best guess is that this is so that you have something to entertain you when it's 100+ degrees outside and you have no power. Now you can spend that free time digging crap up off the bottom of the pool. This activity is also entertainment for the neighbors who will point and laugh.
Step 5: Don't Trim! Don't you dare trim back those stupid trees you spent a fortune on in your yard. Why on EARTH would you DO that? If you do that, what is going to be left to fly through your neighbors' windows? These branches won't fly through your windows, but since your neighbors couldn't buy ANYTHING to board their windows with (see step 3) your thoughtfulness on this manner would be appreciated.
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