You Know You're From Florida When...

This little email joke sums up a lot of my rants regarding tourists, and the think they assume about those of us who live here. It really ought to be titled "You know Someone Is NOT From Florida When they Think Like This!"

"Down South" means Key West.
-Yeah, pretty much....sometimes we are referring to Miami or West Palm though

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.
-Who wrote this? A tourist? I've never heard of any Floridian refer to Pensacola this way

Flip-flops are everyday wear.
-No..no they are not, you idiots. Guess what? We have jobs, and lives, just like everyone else...we don't all wear flip flops every day. Occasionally we can even be found wearing sneakers or dress shoes!

Shoes are for business meetings and church.
-No...again, we don't live in flip flops, and frankly most of us know why it's a stupid idea to go barefoot outside when it's hot out. YOU try having a 2nd degree burn that covers the entire ball and heel of your foot from the pavement that's so hot you could LITERALLY cook an egg.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too.
-No, they are not. Not for any person who has an ounce of respect or class at least.

Socks are only for bowling.
-Please, just read the prior three answers.

Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit.
-Actually, fresh is not always the greatest...it really depends on what kind of oranges you are using. The ones in my yard for example, do not make the best juice...they are great for eating though.

Tap water makes you vomit.
-What the hell does this have to do with Florida? Not a damn thing. For the record though, it really depends on the city you live in. Here, it's not so bad, but water from the City of Melbourne is NASTY

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.
-I suppose....but this isn't a Florida thing. This is really a thing that is reserved more for your "down home" southern states...Georgia, Mississippi, etc.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.
-Nope...we don't have water quite close enough for their liking...but we see them often.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida.
-Well, yeah, I will admit, I do.

You measure distance in minutes.
-Sometimes...and I also know that not every damned thing in the state is 15 minutes from Disney!

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.
-Please refer back to the flip flop statement. We do have normal clothing...and it does get chilly down here in the winter. It's not COLD, but it's plenty chilly enough to wear sweaters and sweatshirts. Besides that, you tourists REALLY ought to know that you should have a sweatshirt handy at all times of the year, because once you morons get sunburned, you're going to learn that as soon as you are out of the sun, you get chills.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
-I could care less.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.
-Just like everyone in the country, I use an umbrella when I don't feel like getting wet! Whether the rain is over in five minutes or not is really not important.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
Umm...no?

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
-The tallest "mountain" in the state is Space Mountain at WDW.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.
-Shade doesn't do you any good anyhow.

Your winter coat is made of denim
-Well that's just stupid.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.
-Any moron with eyes could tell that.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65.
-No, actually most of us are really quite annoyed at all the ancient people here.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
-No, believe it or not, we have fairly distinguishable seasons, and our idea of hot isn't the same as yours.

It's not "pop." It's "soda" or "coke."
-It's soda, unless what we actually WANT is Coca-Cola. Then we order Coke.

Anything under 70 is chilly.
-No...that's pleasant. Under 60 is chilly.

You've attended a hurricane party.
-No...we can't afford to throw parties every two weeks.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.
-No, we go for full days, we just don't go at the busiest times of the year.

You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
-Believe it or not, there are a lot of us who do not have cockroaches in our homes. We also understand the NECESSITY of pest control to keep them out.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee , Okahumpka and Loxahatchee.
-They aren't that difficult...you people are just trying too hard.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.
-Boats are a pain in the ass.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.
-Yes....have you ever driven through a town in your state to get to another?

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include various fish, the NRA and a confederate flag.
-That could happen anywhere...fishing is not only popular in Florida.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.
-Actually, since I lived in MA until I was 10, this is untrue. Even still, you morons are stereotyping again. There are TONS of us without pools, because we know that the cost of keeping a pool up all year long is enormous.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
-There are lots of people down here who cannot swim

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
-Sure, we don't like it that way though

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!
-Yes, we do. We like to avoid getting stung by these buggers....however it's not necessarily common everywhere in the state to encounter stingrays.

You could swim before you could read.
-Yes, we teach our kids to swim early. It's easier for most kids to learn to swim than to read. Furthermore, if you've ever watched the news down here in the summertime, and heard just how many kids DROWN because their parents were too stupid to watch them, and couldn't be bothered teaching them to swim, you would understand WHY we teach them early.

You know that no other grocery store can compare to Publix.
-I think every business should aspire to be more like Publix.

Every other house had blue roofs in 2004-2005.
-Yeah, this is always good...make fun of the fact that we were hammered by hurricane after hurricane. You know what, at least we PREPARED and took care OF OUR OWN, rather than sitting here helpless waiting for handouts after being too stupid to evacuate when told to, and too ignorant to prepare properly for what could happen.

You've gotten out of school early on Halloween to trick or treat before it
got dark.
-What the hell? Who tells you morons these things?

You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for.
-See the answer about the roofs. We know full damn well that a Cat 2 can do a LOT of damage, and they are all worth taking seriously. Ok...maybe not a Cat 1.

You dread the lovebug seasons.
-Do you like bugs? Do you like hundreds of thousands of bugs? Neither do we.

You are on a first name basis with the Hurricane list. They aren't Hurricane Charley, Hurricane Frances...but Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
-It saves time when talking, and we all know what we are talking about.

You know why flamingos are pink.
-Yeah, so?

You think a six-foot alligator is actually pretty average.
-A Six foot gator is still damned big!

You were twelve before you ever saw snow or you still haven't.
-Nope....I havent seen snow SINCE then

When the northerners complain that 80 is 'so hot', you just stand there and smile.
-The 80's are still pretty hot....we don't have a monopoly on heat, just like they don't have a monopoly on cold.

You refer to the seasons as "Tourist Season", "Fire Season" "Hurricane Season" and "Mosquito Season"
-Every freaking day is tourist season. Mosquitos go into hiding for maybe 2 weeks. Hurricane season spans a good portion of the year. Fire season overlaps the hurricanes. Now there's Snowbird Season...that's a whole other story, they are WORSE than tourists.

It's THAT time again...

If you live in Florida, you know all too well that June 1 is the start of the official hurricane season. You also know that we are unlikely to see any action before fall. I hate hurricane season. I don't hate it because I'm afraid of a killer storm, although that's always a worry of course. I hate it because with the season comes incredible amounts of insanity and stupidity. The instant a storm is named and might possibly be a threat to this area, the crazies come out to play. Nearly every night on the news you will hear about the standard hurricane preparations. Almost nobody actually takes these suggestions. Instead, let's go through what actually happens when people try to prepare for a hurricane.

Step 1: Buy every drop of gasoline you possibly can, even if you have absolutely no use for it. It will be common to see people bringing every conceivable gasoline storage container, legal or not, to local gas stations to wait in line and buy every drop. Why? Well you might need it so that when something sparks in the garage that you are storing it in, your house will burn down instead of being destroyed by an "act of God" since there is no real home owner's insurance to be had here anymore. If for some reason your home does not burn to the ground because you were born one clown short of a circus, then you can switch roles, and be an opportunistic jerk, and sell that gas for triple or quadruple what you paid for it. That is, you can until someone catches you, in which case your status returns to stupid.

Step 2: BUY ALL THE SPAM! Why? I don't know...who really eats that crap? Doesn't matter....SPAM and anything that resembles it will be disappearing from the shelves like you wouldn't believe. The vienna sausages, deviled ham, and other shelf stable canned food-like items will also disappear. For some odd reason, mayonnaise and mustard will also fly off the shelves. Don't ask me why. Go ask the idiot that has no real food, and no water, and is living on condiments.

Step 3: Wood....must buy plywood! After you've bought every USELESS thing the grocery store has to offer, go to the home improvement store. Buy as much plywood as you possibly can. Even though it's a pain in the neck to put up, and you only have a few windows, buy it all. You will need those sheets of plywood leaning up against the wall in the garage. These will serve as fuel for the fire you started as a result of step one.

Step 4: Throw it in the pool! If you have ANYTHING outside of your home, you should throw it in the pool immediately. I don't understand this one either. I'm the idiot that just drags my crap INSIDE the house, or in to the garage that, due to my neglect of steps one and three, will sadly not catch on fire in that manner. However, it is customary to throw EVERYTHING into the pool. My best guess is that this is so that you have something to entertain you when it's 100+ degrees outside and you have no power. Now you can spend that free time digging crap up off the bottom of the pool. This activity is also entertainment for the neighbors who will point and laugh.

Step 5: Don't Trim! Don't you dare trim back those stupid trees you spent a fortune on in your yard. Why on EARTH would you DO that? If you do that, what is going to be left to fly through your neighbors' windows? These branches won't fly through your windows, but since your neighbors couldn't buy ANYTHING to board their windows with (see step 3) your thoughtfulness on this manner would be appreciated.

Long time, no blog

Forgive me, life has been....well, life! I am still at the blood bank, but only for two more weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love it there, and I love the people I work with, but it's not a job with a terribly exciting future. I can maybe get a full time position, in a few years when someone retires. Even then, to get my full time status and get their "free" benefits, I will have to take a pay cut, of nearly $2 per hour. I took a chance, and submitted my resume to Osler Medical, in Melbourne. They called me in less than 24 hours, and I got an offer. Same money I make now, but FT, with benefits (GOOD benefits), paid time off, and a really good opportunity to go further. They hired me as a lab assistant, so they will teach me to work the whole lab. That gives me so much more versatility, I just can't turn down that offer.

Other than that, there isn't much going on. Life is going mostly smoothly. Work, family, and finally being, for the most part, financially comfortable and secure. I will write more soon. As soon as I have something to write at least.

I Suck

I swore I would keep this blog updated. I suck....working full time has taken its toll on me though. I am finding it hard to balance my time. I do like my work though....it's really nice for a change not to have a job that I HATE going to in the morning! I love it...the people are great, and I can really appreciate now why the boss lady spends so much time when interviewing people paying attention to peoples' personalities. That way, she chooses people that "mesh" well with everyone else that works there. I'm lucky in that I work with ladies who have lots of different backgrounds that got them into this field, and I am learning a LOT from them.

We got our tax return...it's gone. However, on the up side of things, my 70's fabulous shag carpeting is also GONE!!!!! Dear lord thank you, it's GONE!!!! We did the floor in our bedroom and Daniel's room, and we bought a new fridge, which we needed. With my luck, that old (harvest gold of course!) fridge would have died on us when it was 102 degrees in the summer!!!

Next, I need a new washer and dryer. What is WRONG with dryers? Have I ever mentioned how much I hate laundry? You know why? You put 10 socks in, and only 5 will come out....and NONE of them will match. Where the hell do they GO?! On top of that, my dryer is messed up, the drum isn't round or something...there is a gap between the drum and the front of the dryer, which things get caught in. Zippers, bra clasps, embellishments, buttons...these things don't stand a chance! I am terrified of putting anything that's nice in there for fear it won't come out the same as when I put it in!! I know not to put bras in the dryer...that's a no-no anyhow, but for crying out loud...how many things must get ruined?!