Why am I Broke?

Why am I Broke?

I overspent at Christmas this past year, and just about everywhere else. While we weren’t living beyond our means, we weren’t spending responsibly, our income and outgoings were about equal. I had slacked off on saving for most of the year, blowing a lot of money on a family reunion/vacation, then birthdays and Christmas. I had resolved to build our savings back up with the new year. “No problem” I told myself, we would just buckle down. I wasn’t worried. I had a stable job that I’d held for 5 years, with a growing company. I had just gotten a promotion that included a $5K pay increase per year (plus commissions and bonuses), and my husband would be getting his annual 2.5% increase as well. Between that, and our tax return, and the profit sharing bonus that I would be getting on February 1, of about $2000, we should be back on track in no time. I could pay off the few credit cards we have, and build back a reasonable amount in savings.

I was looking forward to my new position, which became official on January 19^th. I spent the third week of January working about 65 hours (in one week) at training, and studying for a couple of hours each night for tests at work. I did my best to balance that insanity with my son’s school activities, karate classes, and still found a bit of time to spend with my husband. Then on January 28^th, the last day of our national training/meeting at work, I got home around 4:30pm. I was exhausted, but I had learned a lot, and was anxious to jump into my new duties the next morning. About a minute after walking in my door, I got a call from the COO of my company, and he told me he needed me to come back in to speak with me. By 5:45pm I was back home, with no job. I had been let go. I will spare you the details, because they’re completely baffling and asinine. It was combination of twisted details and fabricated “facts” that was all untrue. In most other states, I would have grounds for a lawsuit. Since I live in a “right to work” state, however, I have nothing at all by way of recourse. This was done conveniently 3 days before that profit sharing bonus was to be paid out. So I wouldn’t be receiving that either (“must be present to win!” we’ve been told).

So now I am in a sticky mess of a situation. Our household income has been halved and we have no healthcare coverage. I can receive unemployment benefits for a short time, but that’s literally a pittance, especially when compared to what I was bringing home. I have a family and three dogs, mortgage, car payment, and all the other usual bills. We’ve become accustomed to a certain way of living, and it is expensive. I also realized that 80% of the clothes I owned that might be suitable for an interview don’t fit, because in addition to the increased money and bills, my job came with a 50lb increase on my scale as well.

I allowed myself a few days of self-pity. I cried almost non-stop for 24 hours. I was so shocked, and hurt by the accusations made by my company, in spite of proof that I had given them to the contrary. This company has been preaching that they are a family, and that they value everyone…it goes on and on. I had bought it all, and drank the Kool-Aid. It took me the better part of a week of self-pity, and anger, and then some deep thinking, to realize that this company is a toxic place to be. I have realized that while this puts me in an extremely tough situation, I’m better off not being a part of that place anymore. I realized, now that my time was all freed up, just how much time I had been devoting to these quacks. I had let my job consume the majority of my life.

So now it is on to more important things. While daydreaming about how Karma will bite the powers that be at that company IS quite fun, it is not productive and will not help my family in any way at all.

So I started focusing on the disaster that my house had become. I’ve always been a complete failure at housekeeping anyhow, but taking a good look around, I realized that my house was just embarrassing. Not filth, mind you, I’m not a pig, but clutter…just piles of crap everywhere! Every horizontal surface had piles of papers, mail, and miscellaneous debris of day to day life. Then I got overwhelmed thinking about tackling it all, so I ate a half a box of Girl Scout cookies (best timing EVER!) and went to bed.

I’ve gotten up each morning to take my son to school, and thought about exercising, since I really have nothing else to do now. Then I decided not to even get out of my pajamas, and I went back to bed for a nap. I got up, sifted through another half dozen emailed “thanks but no thanks” rejection letters from the places I’d submitted my resume to. Then I tackled the other half of those cookies. Never let anyone tell you that I don’t finish what I start.

So you get the idea. Very “chick flick” stuff. Several days of wallowing in misery, pitying myself, and generally making matters…well not worse, but not any better. I managed to shower, but that’s really the best I could manage. I did nothing with my hair, my nail polish was chipped and the edges ragged, and I was living in sweats and tank tops, probably with on the way to another 50 pound gain. Thursday night I went to bed more miserable than ever, because on top of all of this, I’d gotten into a ridiculously nasty fight with my husband, that truthfully, I started. He’s tried to be supportive and encouraging. I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself that I couldn’t let him be those things.

Friday morning, when I got up, I decided that this HAD to stop. So I washed up, and put some real clothes on. I decided that after I took kiddo to the bus, I was going to walk. At least I could do SOMETHING productive. So I walked on the trail at the park. I put my headphones in, and walked. The weather here has been gorgeous (don’t hate me) and I was liking the sun on my face, and the fresh air. So I kept walking. After about 5 miles though, my legs and feet hurt. It hit me just how much of the last 5 years I’d spent sitting on my ever-expanding ass! So I came back home, and decided to tackle some of that. It’s amazing how productive one can be on a Friday with nothing else to do! I didn’t have the usual excuses of “I have to get to work” or “I’m too tired from working all day” to fall back on. I scoured my kitchen. I even cleaned under the stove top. I did about 6 loads of laundry. I cleaned my counters and tables off, and my kitchen, at least, is spotless now. I haven’t tackled the rest of the house, but I’m all about baby steps.

I sat down with my computer, and figured out our expenses. I realized that, as long as we tighten our belts (no more ordering take-out!) that we should have about $600-700 a month after bills are paid. It’s not much, but thinking back, we’ve been worse off before. I pulled up the sale ads and the coupons and got to work. I’ve never had the time to do what these “crazy couponers” do, but at least I could save some money right? Well I came back from the grocery store that afternoon with a receipt that declared I had saved $76.40 on my bill (I paid about $32 for a week’s worth of meals)! It’s a start! I started thinking about other things that we could cut back on. It occurred to me that since I’d become so acclimated to the freezing cold office, we’d made a habit out of using the air conditioner constantly, at a really cold temperature. Did we really need the house to be 73 degrees all day? I opened up all the windows, and my air conditioner hasn’t been on for about 5 days. I was comfortable, and it was about 78 degrees in my house at the warmest part of the day with all the windows open. I was chilly last night at 75! At least my electric bill will go down right? Then I thought about more ways I could cut back. Did I really need to use the dishwasher? Ours is older, so it’s not a super-efficient model. I have nothing else I need to be doing, so I’ve been just hand washing the dishes after they’re used. I’m sure this will trim the water bill a bit. I must be saving some $$ on the electric by actually folding the clothes when the dryer is done too, instead of restarting it 3-4 times before I get around to folding.

I made a point of dressing to the nines (adorable suit, cute heels, hair and makeup done) when I went to pick up my last check. I had nowhere I was going, but I simply didn’t want to look defeated. I wanted them to look at me and wonder where I was heading, and maybe even make them think they’d made a huge mistake in letting me go. I want them to know that this is their loss, not mine. I wanted to hold my head high and not let them see me cry.

I’m determined to make ends meet. This is all just a part of a bigger plan. I don’t know what that plan is, and I am not even 100% sure about what I believe spiritually, but I think if I don’t keep believing that there are better things in store for me, I’ll go insane. So that’s my pointless rambling. My resolution for this year is being tested more than ever. However, I’ve never been a quitter (see the cookie anecdote above) and I refuse to be defeated by this. I may not have much, hell I’m not even “comfortable” financially right now, but I do have plenty. I have a loving husband, a wonderful son, and a supportive family, and friends who are all too accommodating, whether to listen to me bitch occasionally, or to be enraged at this company on my behalf. I’m luckier than I previously realized. I’m trying to focus on the positive. So for today, my positive thought is, at least I have the time to have written this. I obviously need to improve, but it’s been a long time since I sat down to write. I had nearly forgotten how good it feels.